A few days ago I wrote a post over on All That Love Can Do. I poured my heart out about how receiving my son’s life limiting diagnosis broke me.
It broke every single inch of me, right down to my soul. It was something I felt I could never recover from. As we moved passed that day and clung to hope, I somehow managed to pull myself together and I remained strong so that I could continue to cherish any time that I was given with my son. There was by no means anything easy about carrying a child who isn’t expected to live, but my love for him was. Loving him was simple, pure, and deeply heartfelt. No matter how long I live… I will love him just as much as I did during the time I had with him.
I spend a lot of energy and effort on trying to find the good, and most days it works for me, but sometimes it is downright hard! Receiving his diagnosis was absolutely awful and all of the feelings I had that day have begun to reemerge in full force. It feels like only yesterday I had to live through that day and my heart breaks all over again because I didn’t want this life. I wanted Silas of course, but I didn’t want a life without him.
Diagnosis day took so much away from us, skinned us clean and only left us with uncertainty. Uncertainty of what the future held for Silas, and for us. I wish so badly that I never received that awful phone call. The one that changed everything. The call that ripped it all away from me and left me broken. A year ago I wished so desperately that it was all just a big mistake. That it wasn’t really happening and the doctor would call me and tell me he read the results wrong or mixed them up with someone else’s. I wanted to change the unchangeable.
A year later… I am not broken, I am still standing, and though my knees may occasionally buckle in moments of grief, I am surviving and starting to live again. I can now see the blessing that came with his diagnosis. I couldn’t change it, but knowing his diagnosis allowed me to cherish moments with him so much more than I already did and I took nothing for granted. I am trying ever so hard to remind myself of that on this day.